The Lawyer Life Podcast

Q/A: How to stop being so hard on myself

• Autumn Noble • Season 2 • Episode 47

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 In this episode, I answer a listener’s question about struggling with self-kindness at work—feeling like no achievement is ever enough and constantly battling self-criticism.  We’re diving into self-love at work—how to celebrate progress, reframe negative self-talk, and set boundaries that honor your well-being. 

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Autumn G Noble (00:00)

 

All right, everyone, welcome back to the Lawyer Life Podcast, episode number 47, where we were digging into another listener question. And this one is just in time for Valentine's Day.

 

How can we be just a little bit kinder to ourselves day in and day out? Here is what my listener had to say this week.

 

Hey Autumn, it's Sarah reaching out to let you know how much I love the podcast. Thank you, Sarah. But I wanted to ask you a question about something I've been having a hard time with. I struggle with being kind to myself at work. No matter how much I accomplish, I always feel like I should be doing more or doing better. I'm my own worst critic and it's exhausting. How can I practice self-love and be kinder to myself in my professional life? Ooh, Sarah.

 

This is such a good question and something that I think we all deal with on an embarrassingly regular basis.

 

In fact, I remember one particular moment in my coaching journey where my coach said to me that I am by far the most demanding boss I have ever had. And it was really a wake up call for me because I realized that I was pushing myself harder than anyone I had ever worked for to date.

 

Many of us do the same thing. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else that we work with.

 

We set impossibly high standards. We push ourselves into exhaustion and we rarely take stock of everything that we have done give ourselves a moment to celebrate our wins.

 

Somewhere in the back of all of our minds, we believe that once we accomplish more, once we do the next big thing, can start being nicer to ourselves and respecting the work that we've done. But the crazy thing is that that line and that metric, it just keeps moving and we never get there.

 

Ultimately, self-love and self-kindness and compassion at work has very little to do with accomplishing a big thing that allows us to believe that we deserve it, and a lot more to do with just accessing the same compassion that we often show to everybody else around us.

 

One very simple way to do this is to acknowledge your progress, not just perfection.

 

A simple way to add this into your daily routine is to not turn to your to-do list at the end of the day and look at everything that you didn't accomplish, but rather to take stock of what you actually did accomplish that day and take a moment to thank yourself for showing up on those things.

 

Small wins matter. And when we just keep sprinting through our to-do list and through our days, we ignore the need to take pause and honor ourselves for the work that we have done and express some gratitude for how far we've run.

 

So at the end of your day, try asking yourself, what went well today? What am I proud of myself for today? And force yourself to answer the questions.

 

When we get in the habit of taking this kind of inventory at the end of our days, we actually wire our brain to start paying attention to the value that we are adding to the world every day and in every moment. So the more you do the practice, the easier it's gonna be for you to be kinder to yourself and start honoring everything that you've done instead of just blowing right through it into the next marathon.

 

Another simple practice is to just tune in to the way that you're talking about yourself. If you find yourself saying, I should have done more, or I should have gotten that out today, or that shouldn't have taken that long, ask yourself if you would say that to a friend, to a subordinate, to a colleague. And if the answer to that is no, then stop saying it to yourself.

 

Instead, we can offer to ourselves, I'm doing my best and that's enough. Or you know what, today went a little bit off of the rails and that's okay, that's life and sometimes that happens.

 

And finally telling yourself, deserve as much grace as I give to other people. And I'm gonna make an effort to start giving that to myself.

 

Another simple practice is to challenge that judgmental thinking and really ask yourself to answer the opposite question. Should I have actually done more today? Should that have not taken as long? Why not? Or why and how do you know? And really pushing yourself to lawyer the horrible judgments and statements that you're lobbying at yourself. And you can start to see that like, yeah, maybe it should have taken that long because that's how long it took.

 

It was more complicated than I thought, more complicated than the client or the partner thought, and that's okay. But when you challenge those judgmental thoughts, you allow yourself space to stand up and defend yourself. And that's a beautiful thing that can wiggle loose some of those patterns of judgmental thinking.

 

Last, set boundaries that honor your wellbeing. If you rush and sprint forward to tackle everything on that to-do list, it's not gonna get you a day free from another mountain of to-dos. It just leads to more and more things to do. And so our work has to be to slow down and take stock and not buy into this idea that once I get all of these things done, then I can rest because that is never how it works out.

 

What's more, that overworking and constantly striving is often a sign of self-criticism in disguise. It goes back to that original thinking patterning where if I do all of these great things and if I achieve more, then I can be nice to myself. Then I can believe that I'm worthy and I'm good enough, and it never actually creates that result.

 

Give yourself permission to take breaks, to step away, to have a life outside of your work. And remind yourself that resting doesn't mean you're less capable. It doesn't mean that you can't handle it. It makes you sustainable.

 

It means that you are recognizing that you have signed up to run a marathon. And by taking breaks, you're putting yourself in the best position to see that finish line through, as opposed to running yourself into the ground and falling apart partway into it.

 

Ultimately, this idea of self-love and self-compassion at work, it's about recognizing that your worth extends beyond how productive you are at work and how successful you are in your career.

 

You are enough just as you are without more. And the way that you treat yourself, it matters. And it matters just as much, if not more than the work that you're doing in this world. And truthfully, when we ignore that, yes, we accomplish things. Yes, we check things off of the list, but we do it on the journey with someone that doesn't really like themselves that much and talks to themselves terribly.

 

What is the point of all of that we're just gonna treat ourselves terribly once we get there?

 

So in honor of Valentine's Day this year, my friends, take a moment to be a little bit kinder to yourself. Even though Valentine's Day has come and gone, it doesn't mean that there's not space for a little bit of love for yourself this February. Thanks as always for tuning in. If you have any other questions that you would like to have me answer next month, be sure to send them to autumn at thelawyerlifecollective.com.

 

Until then, thanks for listening and thanks for sharing with your friends.