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You are listening to the Lawyer Life Podcast episode number six: The Mistake Spiral.
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Hello, and welcome to the Lawyer Life Podcast. I'm your host Autumn Noble. I am a practicing attorney as well as a life and career coach for lawyers. During my legal career, I've worked at firms of all shapes and sizes. I've also had the honor of building and sharing my very own practice group from the ground up. I've taught in business schools and law schools and I eventually transitioned my practice in house with a Fortune 300 company. Now I teach my clients how to navigate all of those same experiences. If you want to learn how to build your practice and client base, establish some independence, find more time get more done, and generally just find more happiness and balance in your life, you are in the right spot.
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If you are new here, thank you for joining us, be sure to check out the first few episodes to learn more about our work and set a good foundation for today's topic. If you've been here all along. I appreciate you and welcome back.
Today in this episode, we're talking about the mistake spiral. What is it and how do we stop the madness?!
When you start your legal career, you enter a period in your life when the metrics aren't clear, and the feedback is few and far between. It's often really difficult to know if you're doing a good job. However, it's rarely difficult to know if you aren't doing a good job. That type of feedback is readily provided. So in a profession, where the only feedback that we're typically going to get is negative feedback, how do you keep those experiences from making you paranoid? In today's episode, we're going to focus on getting clear on where that type of negative feedback fits in your life and how to keep it from bogging down your best work.
So first, let's set the stage: you are practicing law you're doing the hard thing! You might feel like you're operating blindly unsure if the last email that you sent made any sense or address the appropriate legal issues. Projects are submitted and they become part of this vast cone of silence with no response whatsoever. It's often really difficult to know whether that silence is an indication of your failure or a silent thank you for a job well done.
In the midst of this silence treatment, you periodically receive some feedback. And as I mentioned, that's often negative feedback. It might sound something like this, That shouldn't have taken that long, it shouldn't have been that hard, you missed an important issue, you clearly did not understand the scope of the project, or you completely missed the point! When you receive that kind of feedback and when that's the only feedback we receive, it breeds an odd form of professional paranoia. We know that we didn't do a good job in those particular instances, but we don't have any clarity on what we have done well. It's sort of like being blindfolded and sent to navigate a minefield! It's no wonder that this type of consistent negative feedback, without more, makes it really difficult to get back on the horse.
Usually what ends up happening is we spend more and more time agonizing over every minute detail of every later project, hoping that we're getting better at anticipating those mines. This is what I call the delightful little "insecurity delay." We take that negative feedback that we received, and we camp out in this self-created paranoia. While we would like some positive feedback, we would almost prefer the silence, then this sudden surprising criticism like a slap in the face.
When we live in that paranoia, projects take longer, and our brain becomes filled with self doubt and negative chatter. It's hard to focus on the task at hand in between beating yourself up for your mistakes, and worrying that you're about to mess up again. So the natural result is we kind of spin in this insecurity - things take longer, even simple tasks, and we start to kind of cower in fear of any future mistakes.
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This is one of the most common things I see among attorneys (and humans!) regardless of their skillset, regardless of their experience, or where they are in their career, it is ultimately this fear of making mistakes. As attorneys we can become so paranoid about making a mistake that we put a tremendous amount of pressure on ourselves and our minds become filled with kind of this nonstop nasty chatter. Don't make another mistake. You have to get this right. It has to be perfect this time. They all think you're an idiot. Maybe you shouldn't have become a lawyer. Maybe you don't have have what it takes… All of those thoughts swirl around in the background.
We've talked about kind of our negative, nasty elevator music and that really ratchets up in this insecurity-delay-mistakes-spiral that we can often find ourselves in. Not only are we frustrated about the last mistake, but now all of that noise makes it even more difficult to focus and do the job at all.
When I was a partner, I always knew when an associate with spinning in this space - they take longer to do everything, they agonize over the smallest details and the result of all their mental berating is that they usually end up missing the big picture and billing the client a ton in the process.
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What's more, is those associates rarely reached out for help before they got in too deep. It was incredibly frustrating! When you spin in self-doubt, self-judgment and pressure to do everything perfectly. What you end up doing is really demonstrating to those around you that you have some doubts about your ability to do it right. When you allow one mistake to send you into a tailspin, it makes it difficult for those around you to have confidence that you believe in your abilities that you can handle feedback and bounce back and still do a good job. Or that you can operate under the pressure that's really attendant to practicing law.
What's more, that self-doubt-spiral, it convinces you that you can't reach out and ask for help, ask for clarification, because there's this fear that those questions will reaffirm to everybody else around you that you really don't know what you're doing. So you end up going down these rabbit holes over analyzing the wrong details and ultimately, everybody's time is wasted and the project just drags on. And the nasty elevator music just gets louder and more and more persuasive, because we're just not doing a good job. We just keep creating the self fulfilling prophecy of failure for ourselves, because of this kind of panicked paranoid state that we're operating from.
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So I always ask, you know, how's that working out for you? How is that impacting your work relationships, or your confidence?
For most of us, it's just a never ending death spiral of self-fulfilling prophecies. But what's so interesting to me, is that below the surface of all of these thoughts and pressures, is this belief that the path was easier for everybody else, and that others didn't struggle as much as we are.
Why would we ever choose to believe that our struggles are special? Why would we allow our growth and development to be a sign that we're broken, that something's wrong with us that we don't belong in the way that others do?! Not only is this simply not true, and a simple inquiry to those around you would quickly confirm that, but consider how your life would be different if you let yourself believe just as vehemently, that everyone around you similarly struggled.
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I think that logically, we all know that. But yet we choose to believe that we're uniquely unqualified for the job at hand. Wherever you are in your career, if you have JD behind your name, we can all agree that law school doesn't teach you how to be a lawyer. Your legal education was no different than anyone else's. And all attorneys wander through this morass of confusion and fog, in their early years of their practice before clicks. And even then, when it does click, that "click" is simply an awareness that we're all just figuring it out as we go along. You're not special in this regard. We all are trying to do our best making mistakes and trying to figure it out based upon the tools and knowledge available to us.
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What's really at the root of all of those self-doubts and mistakes spirals, is this ultimate fear of failure, and we'll continually come back to that, but that's truly the root of these types of insecurity delays and spiraling. Below every overworked project and overly analyzed email is this fear of what it means when you make a mistake and further what it means if you keep making mistakes. For a lot of us, it can sound like: You can't hack it. You weren't meant to be a lawyer. You can't make another mistake, you shouldn't be here. You're not as good as everybody else. Those sneaky little worries are bubbling below the surface of all of those self conscious acts. You're afraid that those mistakes when taken in total are an indication that you can't do this. And from there, you build up these crazy expectations of perfection and try to think clearly and rationally from a place of frenzied panic and tremendous pressure and self-judgment.
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It's no wonder that we keep making mistakes from that space. How the hell are you supposed to focus and do a good job, when all you're thinking about is how you're not doing a good job, you're not good enough?! It's just madness.
We all do this, though. And one of the things that we do in coaching is just shed light on what is happening here and help develop this awareness of why are these projects taking so long? Why am I avoiding that project? Or that issue? Why am I not sending the email? And really plugging into that elevator music to really understand what are those nasty things I'm telling myself, it's making it so hard to keep moving forward? What are those judgments?
In coaching as we work through that I often remind my clients that perfectionism is for scared people. We repeat that phrase, we live it, we breathe it, and we believe it. Because we come to understand the truth of it, that this attempt at perfectionism is simply our faulty attempts to avoid failure and all the nasty feelings that go with it. That's what we're afraid of, ultimately. That fear is what keeps us stuck and keeps us from moving forward, and keeps us paranoid and panicked and just simply making more mistakes and around and around, we go.
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After law school, all of the instructions and cozy support systems, they fall away. And we enter the first phase of our lives where there aren't clear guidelines, the metrics are pretty fuzzy and you just have to start trusting that you know enough and that you're doing it right. But as people who are used to being the best at things, we aren't practiced in this space, we're not practiced at failing. It's not something that we're used to and because of that, we don't have a lot of skills around forging ahead after mistakes, and having our own backs when things go wrong. But that is simply part of the deal and it's simply part of our work once we start practicing. We have to stop beating ourselves up for the highs and the lows of this onsite education that is the practice of law. It's just how it works. And with that acceptance, we can allow ourselves to experience the process of learning the on the job training, just like every other associateattorney on the planet.
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One small mistake does not mean that you're not cut out to be a lawyer, we cannot let that mistake stoke the fires of fear and propel you into that perfectionist frenzy. You are a human, you will mess up. Welcome to the party.
Okay, so that's all fine and good. But seriously, how do we stop this spiral once we get into it?! So we've got the awareness, we know what's going on, but like really, truly, like, that's not helpful, how do we get out of it?! Because let's be honest, in this profession, often the only feedback that we typically get is negative or outright silence and it just kind of stokes those fears and those worries. So it really sets us up for this type of spiraling.
So how do you keep those experiences and that negative feedback from making you paranoid? In order to dig out of this pit, you have to start pursuing additional facts and facing some new realities. So first, and we've talked about this a little bit already, you are not perfect, you will never be perfect, but no one else in your professional orbit is perfect either. The first step in getting through insecurity delays is to get some perspective. You're not perfect, and neither is anyone around you. We all make mistakes in our practice and we all especially make mistakes when we're just starting out. Do not allow yourself one moment to believe that anything else is true. One thing that might help you grab onto that perspective is to ask yourself, when was the last time you saw a senior attorney, a shareholder or partner make a mistake? I love asking this during my coaching sessions.
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It's like this light bulb turns on and I hear these crazy stories of the idiotic things that these senior attorneys do. We know so many examples of these people who are supposed to know everything, making colossal mistakes. But for whatever reason, we are able to ignore all of that evidence and instead just believe that we're the only ones that mess up.
You know, as well as I do, that senior attorneys can make some pretty ridiculous mistakes. And if you open yourself up to that exploration, you will be overwhelmed with examples of the human-ness of everybody around you. We all do it. We all make mistakes we had, we have to just force ourselves to find evidence to support that belief because you know that it's there. You have to force yourself to look at that evidence that everyone else around, you also make mistakes and it's not just you, that will allow you to really root down in that belief that like this is just part of the deal.
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Okay, that's step one, step two, seek and ye shall receive feedback. We have to recognize that lawyers are really busy myopic beings. We focus on the dumpster fire at hand, and we don't leave a whole lot of room for anything else. What that means is that normal professional courtesies go out the window and providing constructive feedback is not likely at the top of your boss's priority list.
So if you want more constructive feedback, you're going to have to ask for it. You are not at the mercy of your bosses for this. Constructive feedback, it's not parade candy, you don't have to just sit around and wait for somebody to throw some your way. Get out there and rip that candy out of their miserly little hands. If you want it, you have to ask for it!
Furthermore, when you do receive negative feedback, it's perfectly acceptable to ask if there were other aspects of the project that did go well, so that you can continue to improve upon them. In order to do this, you can schedule periodic check-ins or follow-ups during large projects to see how things are going. You can simply ask the question, Am I on par with where you'd want me to be? Are there things that I excel at? What other areas can I improve upon? We have to proactively seek out the full story. If you don't start taking ownership of your career and asking for the type of feedback that you want, you will be left in a vacuum of negative feedback and nothing more. You will be at the mercy of your boss's individual experience - whatever is happening in their lives behind the scenes that may or may not play a role in the reaming that you just received or the feedback that you just got that seemed overly harsh.
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You have to seek out more information and remember that we all have a bias towards negativity. So you're going to have to work to gather information on the other side of the story. And in order to do that, you have to take ownership of what you're wanting and stop waiting for them to give it to you.
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Next, note that any feedback is truly a sign of their investment in you. Focus on the fact that they're giving you some feedback, and it's a sign that they are invested in your growth and your improvement. I'm ashamed to admit it but the only time that I withheld feedback - negative or positive - was when I had concluded that an attorney was a lost cause or just a bad fit for the practice. If they are giving you feedback, it means that they know you can improve. And at some level they believe in you. Don't overlook that. Okay?
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Last, be honest with yourself. When you find yourself reeling after some negative feedback, and it's making it really difficult to execute on any task, start focusing on your internal self-talk. Listen to the things that you're telling yourself. Ask yourself, Why am I having such a hard time moving forward? Usually, it's gonna sound something like all of those nasty thoughts that we just talked about. You can't mess up again. He thinks you're an idiot. How did you miss that? What the hell happened back there. You're never going to do a good job with that kind of music playing in the background. If your friend had just received the same back feedback, would you let them talk to themselves the same way?!
If the reason that you aren't sending that email, is because you're afraid of messing up again, send the damn email. Don't let your fear of more negative feedback impede your success. Just accept that negative feedback is part of it and allow yourself to be open to the possibility that you are in fact good at your job.
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If you weren't, you probably wouldn't be there. Recognize that the reason you aren't sending that email, finishing that project, calling that partner back, whatever it is, it's because you're afraid. It's part of the human experience. First, we have to recognize it but then ask yourself, Is that a good reason to delay? Do I feel good about avoiding that partner because I'm afraid of what they're gonna say? Do you feel good about letting that vibration that emotion of fear that vibration in your body keep you from doing your best work? Usually when Look at it that way, the answer is absolutely not. I don't want to let some weird vibration in my body called fear keep me from having my own back and sending my email and showing up for myself.
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But we have to get honest and just recognize what's happening here. Recognize your fear and your negative self-talk and start being honest with yourself about where your real work lies. Because when you allow negative feedback to paralyze you, it's because of what you're making that feedback mean about yourself. Which means that you have more work to do on yourself in your relationship with yourself.
We all want to do a good job. And we all want to improve and that's commendable. But first, you must do a good job for yourself. Honor that process of on the job development that comes with mistakes. Recognize that you don't know at all and that's okay. Nobody does. Ever. Remember, remember those partners. Remember those senior attorneys and all the mistakes that they make. There's never a point that you get to where mistakes just aren't part of it. That's not how it works.
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Last, ditch your ridiculous expectations for yourself, and get to work learning how to trust yourself and your judgments despite some bumps in the road. Besides, what's really the alternative? What does all that worrying and fear get you? What does it hurt to loosen up a bit and just keep rolling with the punches and using each mistake as a learning opportunity; an opportunity to honor yourself to have your own back and to learn. The only thing you are learning when you continually run the cycle of negative self-talk is how to treat yourself terribly. Is that something that you want to be skilled at?
In that space, there isn't room for much more and there certainly isn't room left for growth. So we have to take stock and recognize where your current patterns are leading you and decide if that's what you want. The choice is always yours.
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As part of my work, I help my clients get more confident. Roll with those punches, and have more compassion for their own human-ness. If that sounds like something you're practices missing, sign up for a free coaching consultation linked in the show notes or visit the LawyerLifeCollective.com and let's see what we can do together to get you unstuck and moving forward on this learning journey.
That is all for today, my friends. Thanks so much for joining me again this week. And remember, if you like this content, be sure to rate this podcast and consider leaving us a rave review. I would so greatly appreciate it.
Next week, we start exploring career paths and it's big - to make partner or not to make partner. That's the question we dig into next week. We hope you'll join us there. In the meantime, be sure to check out the show notes for additional resources on this week's topic, and to sign up for that free consultation before they're all gone. And as always, thanks for listening and thanks for sharing with your friends.