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Episode No. 15
Why We Don't Take Action to Achieve All of Our Goals
Welcome back, everyone, to the Lawyer Life Podcast. If you are an attorney seeking ways to find more time, be more productive, build your client base, set healthy boundaries, demystify business development, and authentically sell your services, you are in the right spot. If you are a lawyer who's looking to make a change to your practice or even leave the law altogether and would like to learn about all of those avenues and options from someone who's already done it, this is the place for you.
Hello, my friends. I am Autumn Noble, and I'm the founder of the Lawyer Life Collective, where we focus not only on all of those things but ultimately how to make your career as meaningful and fulfilling as possible. In the Lawyer Life Collective, we focus on one-on-one coaching, where we target your specific goals and where we develop a plan, execute, and help you step into your power as the amazing and inspirational woman that you are meant to be.
In today's episode, we are honoring the New Year and demystifying goals, and specifically why aren't we taking action to achieve our goals? Why aren't we actually following through? This time of year, it gets so easy to get excited about all of our new resolutions and goals, but why is it so damn hard to follow through on them and show up for them every day thereafter?
So, if it's not obvious, let me start off by saying I don't love New Year's resolutions in the traditional sense. When I say that, I'm thinking about those resolutions that sound like "This year, I'm going to lose weight." "This year, I'm going to find a boyfriend." "This year, I'm going to find a new job." I hate those kinds of resolutions because they make me feel terrible, even as I'm saying them alone in my room here. I feel this heaviness that goes with them because underneath them is a nasty sort of judgment that's actually driving the goal.
So for instance, "This year, I'm going to lose weight" because I hate my body and I'm sick of looking like this. "This year, I'm gonna find a boyfriend" because I'm tired of being alone and it's time to get married. "This year, I'm going to find a new job" because I hate my job and my boss is a jerk. That is the energy that we often use to set those types of traditional resolutions because we're just so fed up and we're throwing in the towel with where we're at. We're sick of our current state and we just tell ourselves that this is the year I'm gonna fix everything. It's a resolution because we're resolved to do better, to be better, to find better, because implicitly we are also believing that where we are and who we are is not good enough. That is the type of emotion that drives us to set these passive-aggressive kinds of nasty New Year's resolutions, you know?
From that energy, the resolution and the goal becomes really heavy and kind of unattainable. Like "I'm gonna go to the gym 10 times a week because I'm so sick of my body." "I'm gonna go on 4 dates a week and join every dating app and ask everyone I know to set me up on blind dates because I'm sick of this." "I'm going to send out 20 applications a week and interview non-stop until I can get something to get me out of here."
When your resolutions are founded upon a strong dislike for ourselves in our present state, the resolutions and our plan to accomplish them are laced with a lot of cruelty. It's almost as if we use those resolutions to punish ourselves for our lacking and to punish ourselves for our current state. This is one of the reasons that people avoid setting goals and resolutions altogether, because it reminds them that where they are is not good enough and they're not happy with their current state. So we use those resolutions to beat ourselves up and just further that judgment than already exists.
As if it's not obvious, this is just not the way to set goals. When you think about it in this context, in the energy underlying those kinds of resolutions, it's no wonder that less than 10% of New Year's resolutions are fulfilled. We're really approaching it with the wrong kind of mindset and the wrong kind of energy.
This brings me to reason No. 1 why we aren't taking action to achieve all of our goals: because our goals are founded upon some kind of self-judgment and shitty thinking. It's hard to do anything good for yourself when you're simultaneously berating yourself for everything that you lack. Think about some of your goals from past years and see if you can find the judgment underneath them. Some examples that come to mind from myself and my clients: "I'm gonna save more money this year because I'm sick of being broke." "I'm going to pay off my credit card debt because I'm irresponsible with money." "I'm going to call my mom more because I'm a terrible daughter." We do this all the time, and it's no wonder that we aren't able to show up and follow through on those goals when we're coming at them from that kind of space.
So how do we remedy this? First, we have to reframe our goals from a different kind of energy and get clear on why the goal is important. If you have a weight loss goal, rather than coming at it from a place of judgment or disdain for your body, you might shift that to "I want to take better care of my body and focus on my health because I want to be around for my children and my grandchildren." If your goal is about finding a romantic partner, it could sound more like "I want to put myself out there more and try to find a meaningful connection with someone because I want to share my life with someone that I care about." Lastly, if your goal is about finding another job, we can shift that over to "I'm going to step back from my current job and be open to new opportunities because I want a job that challenges me in new ways or that doesn't take so much out of me." You know, whatever your why may be, all of those reframes feel so much better and kinder and well-intentioned than the kind of original way we were coming at it. Those kinds of goals, in the way we frame them with that why, they make me want to show up for myself because they make sense to me rationally. I get why it's important. I get why I want to commit to doing this. When I set the goal up that way, and the fact that it feels good when I read them out loud means that's just an added bonus that's gonna make it even easier for us to show up and commit to following through on those.
But that's not where it ends. The next thing we have to do is once we reframe those goals, we have to kind of sprinkle in some reminders of how far we have come. This is gonna help us prevent negativity bias from coming in and telling us why the goal is unattainable. So in order to keep our vibes high around the goal and remind ourselves that we can absolutely do these things, we have to intersperse the goals with some historical goals that we've already accomplished. So for instance, you might add some of the following historical types of goals to your list of revamped resolutions: "I want to pass the bar exam and get my first legal job." "I want to buy a house." "I want to take my first deposition." When we add those already accomplished goals to our list of new revised resolutions, we contribute an energy of confidence and we shroud those new goals with a can-do attitude that will allow us to actually believe that just maybe we can accomplish these new goals in the same way that we've accomplished big things in the past. I like to think about this as goal-ing from a place of gratitude for how far that we have come. So, when we set those new goals, we have to really remind ourselves and force ourselves to look at all of the hard things that we've done in the past so that we can slip into the belief that these new goals are within reach and they are possible.
Reason No. 2 that we don't follow through on goals is because simply wanting something is never enough, and we know that logically. We want these things. We want all sorts of things. But oftentimes, we aren't really ready for all of the obstacles that come with the goal. That's what I mean when I say wanting it is simply not enough because when we act on a new goal, there's gonna come a certain level of discomfort and a variety of obstacles. When we set a goal, it positions your brain to start lecturing you about how this goal will never work. That negativity bias that I mentioned earlier is just gonna walk right into the room and rain on your parade. It's gonna tell you why you won't attain it or why you can't attain it. All of those thoughts create a tremendous amount of discomfort. If we leave them unobserved, it only results in inertia and the resolution sort of transforms into "This year, I would just resolve to go nowhere fast and stay where I'm at." The end result is that we have a lot of broken resolutions and more proof to ourselves that we simply can't do it and that we simply aren't good enough. So, it creates this never-ending cycle and self-fulfilling prophecy of why we have to set goals that we're never gonna achieve and why we have more reasons to beat ourselves up and be hard on ourselves.
When I think about setting a goal and wanting something and then being totally freaked out by all the obstacles that come with it, I think about the first time I hired a personal trainer. I have always been into fitness, weightlifting, working out, and I've always been really active. But I got to a point in my late 30s where nothing was making a difference and everything just seemed to plateau. My weight wasn't changing, my body wasn't changing, I wasn't excited to work out, and I knew that I needed to mix it up and I needed some help to push farther and kind of get through this plateau. So I signed up to meet with a personal trainer and see if that might be something to help me further my goal of getting more fit and even healthier.
So I went to the gym to meet with this trainer, and as I was walking, I thought, you know, I've always been really healthy. Like, I don't think I really need a trainer. I'm just gonna talk to this guy, see what he has to say, and maybe he can just give me some pointers and I can just figure it out from there. So as we went through this introductory training session, I very quickly had a rude awakening. It was incredibly embarrassing, humbling, and humiliating because it was a really difficult workout and I realized, like, wow, I am not nearly in as good shape as I thought I was and I definitely need some more help to really get closer to my ultimate goal. I think at the time, I wanted to actually lose some weight and I had a body fat percentage that I was working towards and I knew that this is the thing that's gonna get me there. But holy shit, this is miserable.
So then, you know, I'm kind of struggling my way through it and really feeling like a total idiot and totally underestimating what this is gonna be like. The session ends and we go and we meet in his little cubicle and I’ve got my tail between my legs and then we start going through the numbers and then we start talking about how many times a week they wanna meet and my brain immediately was like, "This is a terrible idea. I'm never gonna have time for this. Holy cow, this is so expensive. Why would I ever spend that amount of money on it? I already go to the gym all the time." Like, all of these reasons, like, it's too expensive, I'm never gonna have enough time, I can't do this, it's harder than I thought it would be. All of those thoughts really came kind of crashing in and totally freaked me out and I was just ready to get up and keep my tail between my legs and walk out the door and never come back and change gyms and change my name too while I'm at it. I was just really uncomfortable with the reality of how hard it was gonna be for me to get where I wanted to be, how expensive it was gonna be, and how much I would have to change my workout schedule to make it work because the reality was I wanted the change. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I wanted to wear. I knew what I wanted my body fat percentage to be. But I didn't want to be challenged in those ways. I didn't want it to be that hard. I was hesitant to commit to that discomfort, the time, the pain, the humility, and the expense of it. I really started to question like, okay, this is something I really want, but am I really that committed to doing it and doing the hard work that comes with it?
As I said, my reptilian brain was totally freaking out. Whether your goal is to be more fit or to use your voice differently at work and be more assertive, it doesn't matter what the goal is. Anytime we change our routine, our primitive brains just freak out and offer all of those reasons, just like mine was, why we can't do this and why this isn't going to work and it's just not for us and it's just too hard. That is part of the bargain of setting any kind of a goal. If we want things to change in furtherance of a new goal, we have to also sign up for all of the discomfort that goes along with it. We have to go into the goal knowing that we want it badly enough to push through all of those challenges that will come with it and to push through all of that negativity bias and the kind of safety thinking that's gonna come into our brain the moment we start taking action towards that goal. If we're not prepared for and anticipating those kinds of obstacles that come with pursuing a goal, we fail every single time because your brain is wired to stay in the cave and maintain your routine and be safe. It was a survival mechanism, and so now in our modern day, we have to recognize that when we go into our goals, our brain is gonna try and talk us out of it. So from there, we can decide how we want to respond when that happens? Not only when that mental chatter happens, but when other obstacles happen. When your body is sore, when you're really uncomfortable using your voice at the office or your boss doesn't like it or lashes out at you because of it. Those are all obstacles that come with the different types of goals that we set.We have to go into it anticipating those and developing a plan to strategize around them. If we don't do that, the second that obstacle emerges, we will give up.
Some questions to ask yourself to help yourself anticipate those obstacles is to ask: Am I really committed to doing the hard work? How will I show up for myself when it gets hard? What's my plan B when this, that, or the other happens? How will I hold myself accountable when this obstacle presents itself in order to follow through on the goal? We have to have that plan in place. Part of that is recognizing that we aren't always going to want to execute on the goal, especially when those obstacles start presenting themselves. But that's really the difference that distinguishes our ability to achieve the goal from everyone else that never does. It's not about wanting it. The question is always about whether or not you're committed enough to push through and do it even when obstacles present themselves, even when that obstacle is simply not wanting to do it, and even if that obstacle is what your brain is telling you about why it's never gonna work. That is why we have to know those things are going to come and bring the goal to the table with a plan in place so that all of those things that come up don't cause us to stop, they just cause us to pivot in alignment with some strategies that we've already planned and decided upon ahead of time.
Finally, the last reason why we don't often follow through on our goals is because we aren't constraining our focus. This happens for more reasons than you would actually think. So let me explain. The first step towards really creating success is to get clear on what's a real priority. But many of us go through life with this sort of like a heavy bag filled with wants and dreams and things that we want to accomplish in our life. As those sort of unrealized dreams and long-term goals continue to grow and we add to them, that bag becomes heavier and heavier and the burden becomes more and more difficult to bear as we just pile on more and more unsatisfied dreams and desires and if only someday I would or could possibly do these things.
So energetically, it becomes very kind of burdensome and heavy, and the more significant that burden and the heavier the bag is, the easier it is for us to feel hopeless and just disregard everything that's in the bag. It's easier to throw in the towel when that bag of wishes and hopes and dreams is so heavy and we feel like it's just completely unattainable because we've just put so much on ourselves. It's a lot easier to stay put because we've created this sort of mountain of dreams and to-dos that's just overwhelming, and that can usually make it very difficult to start. That kind of pile-up of wants and dreams can really paralyze us from taking any kind of action or, on the other hand, we take too much action and we just shoot for the moon and have 100 resolutions that are nearly impossible and set ourselves up for failure to begin with. And so the first thing we have to do is get really clear on what is your priority.
Instead of having 10 years' worth of resolutions, why not just focus on one instead? Instead of deciding, "I can't do all these 10,000 things, I'm just not gonna do any of them," we just pick one, maybe two, and that's it. Constraining your focus in that way energetically is like throwing a boulder into a pond instead of a handful of pebbles. The impact and direction of that stone is going to be much more meaningful and predictable.
So the first step is to go through that heavy bag of wants and dreams and pick one or two to focus on and put the damn bag away for another day. Perhaps consider scheduling when am I gonna revisit that dream, when am I gonna revisit that goal, and letting it go. Stop using that list of unfulfilled hopes and dreams to continually beat ourselves up for everything that we don't have. Right, it goes back to that first point that we use goals to kind of remind us why we're not good enough and like why our life isn't going the direction we wanted to go in.
So we put that bag away or schedule time to revisit it in the future. For instance, in my sort of bag of unfulfilled dreams and wants is to get legitimately certified as a scuba diver. I say legitimately 'cause I had a really horrific experience scuba diving for the first time years ago. But anyway, I want to get legitimately scuba certified and take a dive trip, and that's something I've always wanted. But instead of carrying that around like I just wish someday I could find the time to do that and letting that energy kind of bog me down, I put it on my calendar. So if you look at my calendar in a year or maybe two years, there's a reminder that says "scuba certification"? I know that in a couple of years, I'll revisit that goal. But for now, I'm not gonna carry it with me and remind myself of what I haven't done. We put it on the calendar and we let that energy go and instead, we focus on what is our priority in this year, in this moment.
As we go through our lists of wants and dreams, we have to get really clear on what's really a priority that's important to me to accomplish now that I'm willing to commit to and push through all those discomforts that we just talked about and what else is just simply garbage and negative energy that I'm beating myself up with and making myself feel terrible? We always have to be aware of the things that we tell ourselves and how those thoughts and even those sort of dreams and goals that are unfulfilled, how they make us feel, because what often happens is they just compound this feeling of hopelessness and our inability to overcome any task, and it can stagnate us in any direction towards any goal that we've chosen. We have to get rid of those pipe dreams and focus on one.
The beauty of this is when we constrain our focus and constrain our energy in that way, it dramatically increases the likelihood that we will actually accomplish the goal we choose. That one thing we commit to, we see the obstacles ahead of time, we plan a strategy around them, we're probably gonna achieve that goal. We're much more likely to meet it, and that momentum is gonna make all those other unfulfilled dreams and goals and to-dos that much easier to attain as well. We take that momentum from that constrained focus and we pivot it to the next thing, and on and on we go. That's why constraining our focus is so important. It can feel like I'm letting go of all those things that are not important. That's not the case. When we constrain our focus, we're actually creating momentum that we can then apply and make those other goals as good as done.
So let's recap where we have been. When setting goals, ask yourself: Are your goals rooted in some shitty self-judgments? Do they feel terrible on some level when you read those goals and resolutions out loud? From there, ask yourself: Do my goals need a remodel? Then from there, consider whether your goals need a makeover and need to come from a different kind of energy. As you're doing that, don't forget to sprinkle those goals with a reminder of all the hard things that you've already accomplished. That way, you can look at your goals from a place of confidence and faith, and like, "Look, I've done other hard things, and this is just another one that I'm also gonna check off of my list." That's the energy that you need to start creating and taking meaningful action.
But as I said, setting goals is just the first step of the process. From there, the fun really begins. We have all those obstacles that are gonna come in—fear and doubt and uncertainty and all the other unforeseeable things that are gonna present themselves to remind us why we want to be successful and to try and keep us from pursuing the goal any farther. So, how do you achieve any goal you set your mind to? We buckle up and we start tackling every obstacle that we can possibly think might come our way, and we develop a plan to address them when they show up. We expect the worst in our pursuit of the goal so that we can show up as our best and in line with our intentions to achieve that goal.
Lastly, we constrain our focus. We let those laundry lists of hopes and dreams be distilled down to one or two, and we put the rest of them away. Maybe we put them on our calendar or maybe we revisit them in a year or two, whatever it is. We let that energy go and we focus on one, knowing that in doing that, it's gonna best position us to revisit the rest and increase the likelihood that we attain them later on. Harness your energy and make one or two goals a priority, and trust that once you've achieved it, you will have everything you need to achieve all of the rest. Goal-setting is a huge part of my practice, and my goal is really to help all of my clients set the goal and develop a plan to achieve it, whether they want more time, a better relationship with their terrible boss, or more meaningful work. It's all possible as long as we're committed to showing up and doing the work.
If you think about professional athletes being the best in the world at what they do, they all have coaches. It's wild to me that these people are like the upper echelon of what they do, yet they also have these coaches on the sidelines that they look to and they trust them for their judgment and support. They acknowledge that there's room for growth and that there's value in different perspectives that those coaches offer, and that those coaches can push them to the next level. If you have something in your life that's not working or something that you want to change, ask yourself whether you might need some additional support as well, someone to help you develop a plan of action and strategize your way forward. Because I promise you, whatever problem you're having that seems like there is no solution, that is not true. It's more likely that you just haven't looked at it from different perspectives or invited additional support to help you navigate what you're seeing as an impossible obstacle.
Just like me when I signed up with my personal trainer, I had to really engage some humility and acknowledge that I had some room to grow. Perhaps there were things that I could do differently that would dramatically change the outcome and get me closer to what I wanted. So if you have a goal that you haven't achieved, consider whether you might be in the same boat. If that's the case for you, I would love to meet with you and see if that's something that I can help you with as well.
Alright, my friends, that is all for this week's topic. If you want to go more in-depth on setting and achieving goals, check out the show notes as always for additional information and resources. Or sign up for that free console to see if coaching might be able to help you develop a plan of action towards your goal.
In our next episode, we are gonna continue this topic of goals and explore how to move forward when fear is keeping us stuck. Thanks so much for being here again this week. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to give us a rave review on your podcast listening platform. I so appreciate all of you who have already done so and in big news, be sure to check out the Lawyer Life Collective shop on Etsy, where you can find all sorts of sassy and some sweary Lawyer goods. The link is also included in the show notes. Don't forget to schedule that free coaching session with me or sign up for that newsletter where every month we send out hot topics and resources to support you on your lawyer-ing journey.
As always, thanks for listening and thanks for sharing with your friends.